crunchy breeze

What’ll you do now?

Lisa Magdalena Spatzenegger — Thu, 27 Oct 2011 14:59:08 +0000

Oh, where have you been, my blue-eyed son ?
And where have you been my darling young one ?
I’ve stumbled on the side of twelve misty mountains
I’ve walked and I’ve crawled on six crooked highways
I’ve stepped in the middle of seven sad forests
I’ve been out in front of a dozen dead oceans
I’ve been ten thousand miles in the mouth of a graveyard
And it’s a hard, it’s a hard, it’s a hard, and it’s a hard
It’s a hard rain’s a-gonna fall.

Oh, what did you see, my blue eyed son ?
And what did you see, my darling young one ?
I saw a newborn baby with wild wolves all around it
I saw a highway of diamonds with nobody on it
I saw a black branch with blood that kept drippin’
I saw a room full of men with their hammers a-bleedin’
I saw a white ladder all covered with water
I saw ten thousand talkers whose tongues were all broken
I saw guns and sharp swords in the hands of young children
And it’s a hard, it’s a hard, it’s a hard, and it’s a hard
It’s a hard rain’s a-gonna fall.

And what did you hear, my blue-eyed son ?
And what did you hear, my darling young one ?
I heard the sound of a thunder, it roared out a warnin’
I heard the roar of a wave that could drown the whole world
I heard one hundred drummers whose hands were a-blazin’
I heard ten thousand whisperin’ and nobody listenin’
I heard one person starve, I heard many people laughin’
Heard the song of a poet who died in the gutter
Heard the sound of a clown who cried in the alley
And it’s a hard, it’s a hard, it’s a hard, it’s a hard
And it’s a hard rain’s a-gonna fall.

Oh, who did you meet my blue-eyed son ?
Who did you meet, my darling young one ?
I met a young child beside a dead pony
I met a white man who walked a black dog
I met a young woman whose body was burning
I met a young girl, she gave me a rainbow
I met one man who was wounded in love
I met another man who was wounded in hatred
And it’s a hard, it’s a hard, it’s a hard, it’s a hard
And it’s a hard rain’s a-gonna fall.

And what’ll you do now, my blue-eyed son ?
And what’ll you do now my darling young one ?
I’m a-goin’ back out ‘fore the rain starts a-fallin’
I’ll walk to the depths of the deepest black forest
Where the people are a many and their hands are all empty
Where the pellets of poison are flooding their waters
Where the home in the valley meets the damp dirty prison
Where the executioner’s face is always well hidden
Where hunger is ugly, where souls are forgotten
Where black is the color, where none is the number
And I’ll tell and think it and speak it and breathe it
And reflect it from the mountain so all souls can see it
Then I’ll stand on the ocean until I start sinkin’
But I’ll know my songs well before I start singin’
And it’s a hard, it’s a hard, it’s a hard, and it’s a hard
It’s a hard rain’s a-gonna fall.

Filed under: ** every day's brain-draining

What would you do?

Lisa Magdalena Spatzenegger — Sat, 30 Apr 2011 10:54:04 +0000

there is just so much pressure in my head, so, let me get off some steam here please.
the point is, I do have to choose. Lucky me – I do HAVE the choice, compaired to others who would be happily everafter, if they would only have one of the possibilities, that I have.
So, there are several opened doors infront of me, every one of them, leads me to where I wish to go to, but in different ways and forms.
I should choose as fast as possible – concidering, that the more I wait, the more tensed and sad I become; It takes a lot of energy, all that estimating, thinking and evaluating. I get tired and I hate myself for letting myself go like that. Being impacted so much, I turn and turn and at the same time, keep standing still at one point.
On the one hand, the choice is really difficult. tons and thousands of pro- and contra-arguments for each choice are mixed in my head. Even, I already made lists and ideamaps and -plots, trying to clear my mind. The choice is also that difficult for me, since a lot of persons have expectations, or wishes, which choice I should or shouldn’t take. Sure, it should be my own choice, however, as a human being I will always have my social surrounding impacting my thoughts. Right now, it is really hard to switch off all the voices other people have put into my head. And I know, that some of them, will view my choice as measured value of my feelings for them. ‘What would you do? Try to put yourself into my position.’, I ask. And the answer is, ‘I can not say, what I would do, since I don’t know, how strong your feelings are for me….’
No, does not put any pressure upon me at all.
I can hardly hear my own mind or even know, what it is telling me. Other’s opinions, minds and voices became so loud, I now even lost my stomach feeling, my intuition.
It might not matter at all, where I will go to, but at the same time, it will change everything.

Filed under: ...exploring if the stork brings them - lessons of midwifery (Germany 2010/11)

when men cry…

Lisa Magdalena Spatzenegger — Thu, 24 Mar 2011 23:28:14 +0000

The whole morning had been quite busy:
I arrived early at work, earlier than normal. Colleagues were hurrying arround like super-busy bees, blueish bees in funny surgery sterile clothes… So I put on my blue clothes aswell and joined them, trying to improve the busy atmosphere and discharge the others stress a bit.
Time was rushing, and after some hours we finally were ready for Mrs K and her husband to come down into the delivery room. Mrs K was about to get a planned C-section, she was a bit nervous on the first impression, when they were waiting to be prepaired for the operating room. Very spontanously and decided by one doctor, Mrs K had to get a general anesthetic. Meaning that her husband could not be with her in the operating room to support her.
I was waiting outside, doing some other work, when I suddenly ran into Mr K, sitting on the side of one of our delivery rooms, desperately staring on the ground. I was surprised, because I expected him to be with his wife. I stoped and started to talk to him. However, I first thought that he might have left the operating room because he got sick or dizzy by seeing the operation process. But then I quickly realized, he was in deep worries about his wife. He was helpless and further more, not close to with his wife in that very important moment.
Mr K told be, that it should be his wife’s first baby, or better said, her first living baby. Some years ago, she had already been pregnant. But before the baby was mature enough to be born, it died. Nonetheless Mrs K gave birth to the baby in the normal way. She took her time with the baby, held it, buried it, said goodbye. Everafter that stillbirth, it was a very delicate and sensible topic for Mrs K and also, it took her a long time to become pregnant again. When they finally succeeded, Mrs K was very worried and insecure during the whole pregnancy, fearing, that something could happen again. And now, she was lying alone in the operation room…
While Mr K told me their story, he had tears in his eyes, his voice was weak and trembling. He told me, that all he wished was just a healthy vital baby and that his wife will be fine aswell.
Suddenly, during our conversation, I heard a newborn screaming two doors away. I immediately turned towards Mr K, lying my hand on his shoulders and telling him with a warm smile: ‘Listen – that is your daughter’…
In that moment, Mr K had all imaginable emotions in his face expressed – first of all gratefullness and love, exposed by the tears his eyes could not hold anymore…
… Sofie was vital and rosy, crying and loud, as if she wanted to show, that she was strong and wanted to be alive. She calmed down after 15 minutes, when she was lying on her father’s naked warming chest, being held tight and loved.

Filed under: ...exploring if the stork brings them - lessons of midwifery (Germany 2010/11)

springbreak

Lisa Magdalena Spatzenegger — Thu, 03 Mar 2011 22:33:03 +0000

‘It has been 6 weeks now. And everytime I see you, you make me nervous – as you did on the first day and as you do now’, he said.
She responded, ‘Lay your hands into mine, I’ll calm you down’.
‘As you did on the first day and as you will do now….’, he smiled.

Sweet Memory
talking ’bout a sweet memory
it goes round and round in my head
pretty soon I want the real thing instead
but for now I got this sweet memory
sunny day sunny day
not a cloud crosses the sky
not a tear comes to my eye
sweet memory

Melody Gardot – Sweet Memory

Filed under: ** every day's brain-draining, ...exploring if the stork brings them - lessons of midwifery (Germany 2010/11)

Big Ben

Lisa Magdalena Spatzenegger — Sat, 19 Feb 2011 20:54:33 +0000

both delivery-rooms of our hospital were occupied, when my shift started. Ines and her boyfriend were quite happy, that she finally started to be in labour without medical influence. two days before, her doctor made a diagnosis for Ines to get a C-section, because her baby did not turn in the right way, necessary for a natural birth. I sat on Ines’ side, meanwhile her boyfriend took a rest. she told me about her pregnancy and that her baby, a boy, should be named ‘Ben’.
Some hours later, Ben was born, I took him to the other delivery room, to mesure and bath him, and put him on his first cloths. Claudia, who was also expecting her baby in the next hours, and her husband were all excited about the youngborn, fullfilled with anticipation for their own son, who would be born in the next hours. Claudia and her husband were making a big secret out of the future name of thei son. It should be a surprise for the moment their son would make the first cry of his life.
But when they saw me bathing Ines’ new born son and writing his name ‘Ben’ on his documents, Claudia and her husband could not resist and said immediately, ‘Ben? that’s the name? But that’s just how we planned to name our son!’
3 more hours and strained moments later, Ben (Claudia’s baby) the second baby of that day was born. Claudia and Ines were doing great, aswell as their partners.

I wonder, if the two Bens will meet one day by accident, discovering, that they were born both at the same day in the same hospital with just two hours difference…

Filed under: ...exploring if the stork brings them - lessons of midwifery (Germany 2010/11)

Sheet upon sheet

Lisa Magdalena Spatzenegger — Wed, 02 Feb 2011 11:36:10 +0000

The snow is folding – sheet upon sheet, layer upon layer.
Back in the favorite movie, ‘Dead’s poets society’,I find myself walking around and in-between college yards and houses. Temples of wisdom, halls of books and science, what a privilege to study, live here or even to see this. Though, I might feel not so comfortable studying here, golden cage or elite bubble in a way. Sure, a place where science and history happens, I do honor and respect.
Harvard; Cambridge

Filed under: - following bartholomäus and john smith

What I wanted to write you…

Lisa Magdalena Spatzenegger — Sat, 22 Jan 2011 02:10:01 +0000

Distanced respect, just what I needed. Why does it normally move on so fast or even rush? Maybe that is old-fashion-conservative, what I am prefering, but then I am just not made for modern times
concerning the get-to-know-eachother, I guess…

Filed under: ** every day's brain-draining

serinkanlılığını korumak

Lisa Magdalena Spatzenegger — Mon, 17 Jan 2011 00:18:15 +0000

Mrs. A was in the hospital for even 10 minutes, when she was brought directly into the delivery room. It would be her second child, that should be born that evening, a boy. Mrs. A was not able to understand German, nor did one of the nurses or the midwife talk her language, her husband was translating, couriously asking for explanations, translating, talking to his wife. However, Mrs A. did not seem to need words or any advice, she was bravely and nearly independently giving birth to her son alone. both, mother and father seemed most disciplined and strong to me. Baruhat was born after some moments, actually my first baby, which made it in time to the estimated day of birth… Baruhat was quite in a hurry to finally see the world outside his mothers belly. completly enegized by the speed and the hormones of the whole birth, not even a warm bath could calm him down. he was alive, moving, healthy, breathing and crying. when I had dressed him and finally layed him into his mothers arms, his screams turned into some wailing sounds. Automatically and most natural, Mrs A. opened her shirt and started to breast-feed him. then it became quiet, Mrs. A did not need us anymore at all. She was a mother, knowing about her natural tasks, as she would always known it.

I was thankful and happy, to see such an uncomplicated and simple birth once again and experience a mother like Mrs A. It reminded me again of something, also at the right point of time. Not that I am missing motivation or asking myself, if it is right, what I want to do – No, I have not had doubts or questions like that so far. Anyways, I realized by the beginning of 2011, that I will need time and patience, and that it will be a long way until I finally can start, go through and end my education or begin to work in my future job. However, that is just fine and right, I feel, that I need the time to get step by step closer to myself and by that to the point of humanity-relationship-partnership-womanhood, to become a good midwife one day.
The reminder of Mrs a. came in ther right time, because I will go to my next interview for a school of midwifery to get the education I need this coming week. With Baruhat’s birth I received a good boost of vibes, confirming the path I have choosen to go.

Filed under: ...exploring if the stork brings them - lessons of midwifery (Germany 2010/11)

cosí fan tutte

Lisa Magdalena Spatzenegger — Mon, 17 Jan 2011 00:17:55 +0000

Since ages, decades, centuries, millenniums we repeat the game.
We win and we loose.
We reach our boarders and step over our shadows.
We do passively nothing and wait until the prey crosses our way.
We get high of adrenalin and take all our courage to act.
We meet the opposite, the matching counterpart to ourselves, soulrelative or want to see it in someone.
We tell lies or forget to mention things.
We talk openly and present our emotions.
We glance and smile, without knowing anything but feeling everything.
We sing songs, write letters or draw pictures.
We dream, day-dream, fantasise and see things that do not exist.
We give everything and receive nothing.
We receive everything and give nothing.
We loose and we win.

Soave sia il vento,
Tranquilla sia l’onda
Ed ogni elemento
Benigno risponda
Ai nostri desir.

Cosí fan tutte – W.A. Mozart

Filed under: ** every day's brain-draining

2010 summary

Lisa Magdalena Spatzenegger — Fri, 31 Dec 2010 19:31:31 +0000

At the end of the year I usually take the chance and make a short review, what-where-who-how-when things happened. My grandfather used to do something similar, to put all items, products and private happenings of his farm in writing. I do not concentrate on the date or orientate my life by the end or start of a year, the fact that I chose that date for resuming is just by accident. but yes, what a year had just happened, awesome …

picking one idea per month, resulting in 12 aphorisms for the last year:

January:
To know a person you love being happy somewhere out there, can make happy too. Tilykke Tim!

February:
Once again proofed to be true – experiencing other languages, culutres, tastes, views, perspectives is wonderfully enlarging your mind and also brings new friends, Pedro y Laura.

March:
You can not tell, what is really going on in a human being, what he or she plans or intents to do.

April:
Never buy a car if you have not checked it before in a car workshop, even if the person who is selling you the car is your long-time neighbour and a mechanist you trust; thanks to Ludwig and Murat helping me to find Fujur, my real first car.

May:
It can be facile to close chapters, that are already over since a long time, if you finally decided to. However, you are often just too lazy, ignoring, or livin gin past times. Goodbye Vienna, for now!

June:
Being forced to slow down, after 4 years, by myself. To stand on a mountain for hours; To be outside in the nature; to sleep under the alpine summery-stary sky; to inhale fresh air and climbing up to new perspectives from a mountain top… all that helped my rushing soul to get back into my body and my heart.
And : animal of the year 2010: Golden Eagle

July:
This idea connects to the May-idea written before:
It is also facile to open a new chapter, that is already waiting for a longer time, if you finally collected all your courage and are concious to act. Having friends arround while doing the first steps, helps you learning to do your own steps again – thanks to Sergey, Elisa, Barbarita!

August:
Nearly unlearned and forgotten, rescued by situations and changes in that month:
Clearly saying or showing what you feel and think to persons that matter to you – what do you have to loose? It brings you closer to yourself and clears you heart and mind.
Thank you, Berni and Dundee.

September:
Give your body a rest, if it longs to get one; it will help you, to process and prepare and also will give your soul the time and possibility to stay and be settled in your heart.
A’burg is my place to do that.

October:
Serving people, sharing intense moments and feelings, care about them in every possible form fullfills.
That’s what I want to do.

November:
Once again proofed, there are great people out there. Just stop using your mobile because you have nothing else to do or persuading your iphone. open your eyes, smile and start to talk.
Why is it unusual to just start to talk to somebody, why do people get suspicious, if you buy them a drink and start to talk to them in a bar, just because you think they look sympathic?
Thanks to Garry, René (met in December later) and TomTom, showing my that is worth it to open yourself, and open others by doing that.

December:
You receive and attract, what you radiate. It seems to be years ago, maybe my childhood, that I have had such a nice Advent with good people arround, such a relaxed and peaceful Christmas, felt family and related persons arround.

***

Filed under: ** every day's brain-draining