What would you do?
there is just so much pressure in my head, so, let me get off some steam here please.
the point is, I do have to choose. Lucky me – I do HAVE the choice, compaired to others who would be happily everafter, if they would only have one of the possibilities, that I have.
So, there are several opened doors infront of me, every one of them, leads me to where I wish to go to, but in different ways and forms.
I should choose as fast as possible – concidering, that the more I wait, the more tensed and sad I become; It takes a lot of energy, all that estimating, thinking and evaluating. I get tired and I hate myself for letting myself go like that. Being impacted so much, I turn and turn and at the same time, keep standing still at one point.
On the one hand, the choice is really difficult. tons and thousands of pro- and contra-arguments for each choice are mixed in my head. Even, I already made lists and ideamaps and -plots, trying to clear my mind. The choice is also that difficult for me, since a lot of persons have expectations, or wishes, which choice I should or shouldn’t take. Sure, it should be my own choice, however, as a human being I will always have my social surrounding impacting my thoughts. Right now, it is really hard to switch off all the voices other people have put into my head. And I know, that some of them, will view my choice as measured value of my feelings for them. ‘What would you do? Try to put yourself into my position.’, I ask. And the answer is, ‘I can not say, what I would do, since I don’t know, how strong your feelings are for me….’
No, does not put any pressure upon me at all.
I can hardly hear my own mind or even know, what it is telling me. Other’s opinions, minds and voices became so loud, I now even lost my stomach feeling, my intuition.
It might not matter at all, where I will go to, but at the same time, it will change everything.
